"I, ___, take you, ___, as my lawful wife/husband,
to have and to hold from this day forward,
for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part."
Traditional wedding vows are so regular that sometimes we do not pay attention to the words that are being said. I am particularly curious about the phrase “to have and to hold”. It sounds like poetry right? but what does it really mean practically?
I believe that they are the mind and the hearts way of committing to one person forever.
To have: This is a pragmatic way of being in a marriage.
“to have” in the context of marriage is to:
commit to being with someone in a legal marriage
fulfil the duties of being in a marriage with someone
take ownership of the person; not in a way that takes away identity and freedom, but in a way that depicts responsibility over the persons wellbeing and livelihood.
The declaration of these words indicate a commitment beyond words, it’s taking a step to legalize the union and put a stamp of certification on your coming together. It’s going beyond loving each other, cohabiting, and conditional availability. It’s a depth that makes the status of the relationship real to not just you but the world. It validates all the words said, and ways you’ve shown love to each other in the past. Typically, this is tangible and evident in the lives of the couple. Let’s look at this like a ring; it shows the world that you are married.
To hold is the hearts role in a marriage
To hold in the context of marriage is to:
be a loyal partner, constant companion and true friend
be one in spirit, heart, body & soul (there’s so much to say here)
choose the person every day and love them consciously
never give up on them or the marriage (in reasonable circumstances)
Typically, this is intangible in the couple, but the fruits are oh so tangible. This is why people who are not married are flourishing without the institution of marriage. They have found ways to embody these principles.
It is possible to have someone without holding them, and it is possible to hold someone without having them. This is incomplete, twisted and torturous either to you or the other person in the marriage. It is an imbalance that disrupts the harmony in a marriage.
If you have vowed to have and hold someone, I wish you a complete union with tangible and intangible expressions of love. And if you are yet to, please approach it with this understanding. On the day you profess to "have and hold" someone, do so with the entirety of your being. If you do not truly mean it, refrain from uttering such vows, for the honor and integrity of both parties involved.
Cheers to being had & held 🥂
Phew! Gosh. Whoever I marry has to read this first!